April 2, 2006

Good lord, woman! What are you carrying in that thing?

The days are longer, things are growing in my yard, and I'm starting to get weird back and shoulder pains.

It's time to switch to a warm-weather purse.

I've heard that a woman's purse is a window into her identity. If that's true, I'm thickly built, overweight, and a magnet for things of little consequence. So let's see what's inside, shall we?

Inventory, April 2, 2006, or... Why Monica's Purse Weighs More than a Small Child

Life in the Post-Modern Era, aka the Electronics
If it ever turns out that exposure to small electronic devices causes cancer, I'll probably have a big purse-shaped tumor to show for it.

* MP3 Player

* Cell phone, complete with mini cell phone purse

* Blackberry

Why do I need both a Blackberry and a cell phone? Am I really that important? Well, of course not. But the Blackberry is great for making grocery lists and checking work e-mail, and it doubles as the ugliest cell phone I've ever seen. Holding that bulky, usually non-functional piece of plastic up to my ear makes me feel embarrassed to be seen in public with myself.

What Price, Beauty?
It seems fairly normal to me that a woman should carry some objects of beautification in her purse. Here's my stash:

* Four lipsticks, including one that has been worn down to a useless nub.

* Three lip glosses

* A pressed powder compact

* A packet of Matte Blotting Film

* A ponytail holder

* A hairbrush with three additional ponytail holders wrapped around the base

* Four bottles of perfume ranging from sample size to "purse size"

* Three cloths for cleaning my glasses

The Purse: A Gateway to the Soul
My spiritual beliefs are complex and multi-faceted, and I have the purse contents to prove it.

* An assortment of stones with various healing properties (answering the question posed by anyone who's tried to lift my purse lately: Yes, I really do have rocks in there)

* A bottle of Crystal Alchemy elixir that I bought at the psychic fair, intended to help me be more open to receiving things (in retrospect, I should have also gotten one that would help me let go of things such as purse clutter)

* A string of Episcopalian prayer beads (just don't call them rosary beads; these have an entirely different name)

* A flyer for the Women's Energy Playshop which I plan to attend next week.

* A handout on the seven steps of the Reconciliation sacrament

Yes, I Have a Practical Side.
Not only are all of these things potentially useful for me, some of them can even be used to assist others who find themselves having minor disasters in the company of me and my giant purse:

* A mini first aid kit

* A mini sewing kit

* My wallet

* My prescription sunglasses

* My car keys, complete with bottle opener keychain

* My access badge to my place of employment

* Three pens

* A checkbook

* A bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin

A Card-Carrying Member of... You Name It
I have a special section of my purse in which I carry the cards not urgent enough to place in my wallet. The stack is at least three inches tall, so I'll give you the highlights:

* Punch cards from Keva Juice, Marble Slab, a coffee shop in Carson City that I don't remember visiting, a coffee shop in Reno that I'm pretty sure closed last fall, Krispy Kreme, Beyond Juice, and a coffee shop that I've never heard of

* Business cards featuring two coworkers, the professor who taught the class I dropped last spring, my hairstylist, two other hairstylists I've never visited (maybe my friends were trying to tell me something), the supervisor of Employer Accounts at the State of Nevada, the guy who tried to sell me a Honda, the woman who sold me my Toyota, some guy I sat next to while flying home from San Diego, and myself

* The Monterey Bay Aquarium's guide to environmentally responsible seafood selections, spring/summer 2004

* Four casino player's club cards, and it should be noted that I gamble less often than I clean my purse

* Three identical copies of my health insurance card, two of which I have because I kept thinking I'd lost the sucker and ordering new ones

* My voter registraton card, because you never know when an election might break out

...And the Excruciatingly Miscellaneous

* Three fake plastic coins

* All the pamphlets from the last six weeks of Weight Watchers membership

* Breath mints

* A notebook I carry for impromptu deep thoughts or prospective blog topics

* The mail-in rebate slip for my vacuum cleaner robot, purchased one month ago

* Receipts for grocery trips dating back to January

* Alternate earpieces for my headphones, just in case I want to switch out the color scheme

* The receipt for the tattoo I got in Vegas, just in case I want to... inquire about their return policy?

* 600 Jamaican dollars, just in case

In Conclusion...I've now successfully removed all the objects from my old purse and can begin the ordeal of determining which ones get to join me in my new purse.

I need a drink.


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