May 9, 2006

Where Not to Stay in Vegas

A few weeks ago:

Monica: Would you be willing to sleep in McCarran Airport if it saves us $400 in air fare?

Sam: What? Why?

Monica: The flight from Fargo to Vegas gets in at 10:30 p.m.. That's too late to catch a flight to Reno, but we could fly out the next morning.

Sam: I am not sleeping in the airport. If you can find a hotel room, we'll talk.

Monica: Oooh, I can get a room at the Howard Johnson for 40 bucks. It's right next to the airport, and it has a free shuttle.

Sam: Sure.

Monica: I've never stayed at Howard Johnson, but it's a chain. How bad can it be?

Yesterday, 11:30 p.m., pulling up to the hotel.

Sam: I have a bad feeling about this.

Monica: It can't be worse than some of the other places we've stayed. Remember the Shady Court in Winnemucca?

Sam: What about the Onquirrh Inn outside Salt Lake City?

Monica: Yeah, where the desk clerk was negotiating a drug deal? That was awesome.

Sam: So many memories. Our hotel standards have really improved over the years.

Monica: Definitely. But I'm OK with slumming it for one night.

Midnight, entering the room.

Sam: The light switch doesn't work.

Monica: Let me turn on a lamp. Hmm, that doesn't work either.

Sam: Maybe the room is best viewed in the dark.

Monica: What's that smell?

Sam: Here's a light that works. Oh, good God!

Sam: It looks like they tried to make a patch out of the wallpaper.

Monica: I'm sure it's hard to find that wallpaper pattern anymore.

Sam: The patch isn't even in the right spot.

Monica: Ooh, check out this one! It looks like someone punched a hole in the wall.

Sam: Maybe he just found out that the escort service didn't take traveler's checks.

Monica: I can't believe this room has a fridge.

Sam: Hey, look, it's someone's leftovers!

Monica: Well, now we know where that smell was coming from. Close it!!!

Sam: That was once pasta.

Monica: And seafood.

Sam: My stomach doesn't feel well.

Monica: Well, we're not going to be here long. Just a few hours of sleep, maybe a shower. Oh my God, how do you get mildew to grow on the outside of a tub?

Sam: Well, I guess we won't be showering.

Monica: I would feel dirtier if I did.

Sam: Maybe I'll just watch some TV. Do you see a remote control anywhere?

Monica: Nope.

Sam: No remote. No TV guide. And check out the fuzzy picture. It's pirated cable!

Monica: Well, they have to keep their costs down somehow.

Sam: Remember that Simpsons, where they stay at the Happy Earwig?

Monica: I seriously didn't expect this. I thought that, since Howard Johnson is a chain...

Sam: That they'd have some kind of minimum standards?

Monica: Exactly.

Sam: Well, I think we just found that minimum.

Monica: Next time, we're staying at the airport.

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