September 5, 2006

10 Things a Pregnant Woman Never Wants to Hear

As part of my quest to learn every minute detail about my pregnancy, I signed up for a personalized online pregnancy calendar. I just had to type in my due date, and each day I am greeted with a timely factoid about my baby's development.

Sometimes, they are fascinating. "Your baby can now suck her thumb."

Sometimes, they are a little creepy. "Your baby's eyes have formed, but they are on opposite sides of his head."

Most of the time, they're banal little health tips. "Veal liver is an excellent source of iron." (Since everything besides saltine crackers and ginger ale nauseates me on some level, adding veal liver to my diet might qualify as the worst idea I have ever heard)

For some reason, today's tip weirded me out:

Tuesday, September 5. Gestational age: 11 weeks and 4 days. "Your baby has started producing urine."

I'm not sure why I found this slightly disturbing. It seems reasonable enough. What goes in must come out. Also, I couldn't help but wonder what Rasbaby was doing before acquiring this skill - say, yesterday.

I mentioned it to Sam. He didn't flinch.

"So you're peeing for two," he offered constructively.

"Sounds about right," I agreed.

In the grand scheme of things, today's factoid scores a fairly low priority on the list of "Things a pregnant woman doesn't want to hear."

Unfortunately, it's a long list. From the pregnancy books that conclude every chapter with a section about miscarriage, to the alarmist articles touting statistically insignificant links between diet soda and birth defects, to the well-meaning stranger who just wants to tell me what I'm doing wrong, I've heard lots of things that I wish I could have avoided.

By the time Rasbaby is born, I'm sure I'll have 1,000, but I'm still in my first trimester, so here is a top 10 list:

Top 10 things a pregnant woman never wants to hear

10. "Isn't it a little early for you to be showing?"

9. "Restroom not available for public use."

8. "I'm sorry, we're out of cranberry scones. Would you like a cherry filled donut instead?"

7. "My morning sickness never went away. I was throwing up until the day my water broke."

6. "You don't even know the meaning of the word 'exhaustion.' Just wait until you have a newborn to take care of. Then you'll realize how easy you have it now."

5. "By this point, you should have gained 1-3 pounds."

4. "Enjoy them now, because next year at this time, they'll look like deflated footballs."

3. "You can use the microwave as soon as I'm done reheating my leftover Tuna Helper."

2. "My sister's friend was in labor for 52 hours, and then it got even worse..."

1. "Don't you think you might be overreacting?"

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